Why Some People Don't Know Whether Or Not They're 'In Love'

Ah, love. That longed-for, sung-about, praised, desired, elusive, magical, state. The feeling that drives men to battle and women to drop out of college. The one thing that we all want above all else. We all want it. We crave it. Some people will die for it.

But what is it? And how do we even know if we are feeling it? Why do some people not even know if they are in love?

Come with me on a journey to learn about love. And find out why some people don’t know whether or not they’re “in love.”
First of all, can we define love? I started with some online dictionaries and was less than satisfied with what I found. Merriam-Webster, the old standard, provided the following:

Definition of love

 1 a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

maternal love for a child

(2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers

After all these years, they are still very much in love.

(3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

love for his old schoolmates

b : an assurance of affection

give her my love

2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion

love of the sea

3 a: the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

baseball was his first love

b (1): a beloved person : DARLING —often used as a term of endearment

(2)British —used as an informal term of address

4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent (see BENEVOLENT sense 1a) concern for the good of another: such as

(1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind

(2) : brotherly concern for others

b : a person's adoration of God

5 : a god (such as Cupid or Eros) or personification of love

6 : an amorous episode : LOVE AFFAIR

7 : the sexual embrace : COPULATION

8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)

9 : capitalized, Christian Science : GOD

at love : holding one's opponent scoreless in tennis

in love : inspired by affection

Wait, what? In love is LAST? After even the score of zero in tennis? No wonder we are confused by what it means to be in love!!

We have the definition of maternal love, a mother for a child. But we all know of mothers who don’t, or can’t, love their children. I spent much of my career evaluating abusive mothers. Maternal love is far from automatic. Post-partum depression has received quite a bit of press in recent years. Most of us have read stories, or even known mothers, who have been unable to feel positive emotions toward even long-awaited infants.

And then there are sex hormones. All human beings, no matter with which part of the SLGBTQ (straight lesbian gay bi trans queer) spectrum you identify, produce all sorts of lovely hormones, including estrogen, testosterone, and oxytocin, to name but a few. These hormones are present in all genders and control sexual arousal and behavior. 

Is sex love? Well - no. But depending on how you were raised and socialized, you might believe it is. You might have heard “you’re so pretty, everyone will love you” so many times growing up that you have learned to equate sexual attractiveness with being loved. Or the opposite. You might have heard “nobody will ever love you” so many times that you believe it. These pronouncements might have been out loud or they might have been implied. Remember that mother who couldn’t love her baby? That might have been your mother. So if you grew up believing you are unlovable, you might be in a wonderful relationship in which you cannot possibly believe you are “in love.”

Everything exists. 

“Love at first sight” describes a (usually fictional) situation where two people, usually young and perfectly beautiful, lock eyes across a crowded room (or possibly, on TV, across a dying patient or a recently deceased victim) and fall desperately in love. They then overcome some obstacles and then live happily ever after. They also have loads of amazing off-screen sex and when they wake up they still have their underwear and, for the female, their makeup, on. 
I prefer the other Hollywood version, though. One of the first movies I remember seeing was Fiddler on the Roof. In this film adaptation of the 1964 Broadway play, itself an adaptation of the Tevye the Milkman stories by Sholom Aleychem, Tevya’s eldest daughter wants to marry for love. Tevye asks his wife Golde, his wife from their arranged marriage: “Do you love me?”

She thinks about it and, of course bursting into song, since it’s a musical, replies:

(Golde)

Do I love you?

For twenty-five years I've washed your clothes

Cooked your meals, cleaned your house

Given you children, milked the cow

After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)

Golde, The first time I met you

Was on our wedding day

I was scared

(Golde)

I was shy

(Tevye)

I was nervous

(Golde)

So was I

(Tevye)

But my father and my mother

Said we'd learn to love each other

And now I'm asking, Golde

Do you love me?

(Golde)

I'm your wife

(Tevye)

"I know..."

But do you love me?

(Golde)

Do I love him?

For twenty-five years I've lived with him

Fought with him, starved with him

Twenty-five years my bed is his

If that's not love, what is?

(Tevye)

Then you love me?

(Golde)

I suppose I do

(Tevye)

And I suppose I love you too

(Here’s a link to the actual song in case you want to hear it!)

These days, people want far more than an arranged marriage. Women expect to be far more than child-bearers, clothes-washers, and cow-milkers. In fact, many women rarely wash clothes, are unsure if they plan to have children, and are positive they will never, ever, milk a cow. So is there anything relevant in this song, or even in this story, for the modern couple?

I would argue that our modern expectations are exactly what is preventing so many people from knowing whether or not they are in love. Interestingly, the semi-arranged marriage, still practiced today, has a very good success rate (about 94% according to Wikipedia). In this type of marriage, young people are introduced by their families or by a professional matchmaker (today helped by all sorts of technology and specific matchmaking or “matrimonial” websites). Nobody locks eyes across a crowded room or across a dead body anymore. Interestingly, the dating app is, whether we want to accept it or not, a form of arranged marriage. People specify their romantic resumes and then search for . . . wait for it . . . a match! 

Is it any wonder, then, that people don’t really know if they are “in love?” When dating and marriage has been reduced back to an algorithm, with expectations that resemble the college application process?

One famous-ish study purports to guarantee that two people can fall in love in a day if they just ask and answer only thirty-six questions. I went back to look at the original study myself and found, unsurprisingly, that the media co-opted the study’s findings and that no, we cannot fall in love based on those questions. As usual, media and social media corrupts science every day. 

However, I’m trained as a scientist, so I’d send you right back to one of my most favorite books, written by Jared Diamond of Guns, Germs, and Steel fame. Before he became a household name, Dr. Diamond was a regular professor of geography and anthropology and wrote a wonderful little book titled Why is Sex Fun? in which he explains the book’s subtitle: The Evolution of Human Sexuality. In this book, we can learn all about weird little things like how the distance between our eyes and the thickness of our earlobes are genetic programs that cause us to instantly become sexually attracted to someone. Those are things that - up until now - no phone or even computer dating app has been able to incorporate. 

So how do we know if we are in love? Mathew Boggs and Jason Miller, two single guys in their twenties at the time (around 2007) set off to find out when they started Project Everlasting. Devastated by his own parents’ divorce, Mat was surprised to find that his grandparents’ marriage of sixty-three years was still full of love. 

He and his best friend traveled around the United States and interviewed two hundred couples to find out what made love last. The result was this book. I’ve heard Mat speak about this project many times and I have no doubt that the experience changed his life. Mat’s most important message is this: Love is not a feeling. It is a decision that we make on a daily basis. Here’s a video where he talks about what he learned. Many marriage experts, such as Mort Fertel, Alison Armstrong, and Laura Doyle, all teach versions of the same thing. If we want to be loved and cherished, we start by loving ourselves and behaving in a loving way toward our partners.

Social media, movies, books, and our friends all insist that we can behave badly, selfishly, and meanly, and that Prince Charming will show up and love will conquer all. The fairy tale meme is that when the right prince shows up, he will kiss us and we will wake up from sleep, or the glass slipper will fit, or we will prefer to become an ogre like him (because obviously the only two ogres in the world will love each other) and everything will be perfect. 

Yet how often do people fall in love with the person in the next room? Actually the answer is very frequently! We don’t have to travel the world to find the right person. We just have to become the person we want to be in order to attract love. And then make a decision, every day, to keep loving that person, as well as to keep loving ourselves.

If we keep waiting for perfection, for someone else to make us happy, to read our minds, to be like those mysterious men in the movies who know exactly what we want before we even want it, we might be waiting a long time. 

For example, the media is full of the meme of getting flowers at the office. I actually watched the show The Office the other day (I was getting my nails done and they were playing it nonstop) and it was about getting flowers and gifts because it was Valentine’s Day. Here’s the thing - do we LIVE at the office? I have received gifts at the office - from patients, vendors, etc. Why would someone who loves me send me a gift at work? I don’t live there. Those gifts would go to my home, where my personal life is. The real world is not the office and it is not The Office.

If we feel good with someone, if we feel understood, if we feel happy, if we have common values, if we feel we can build a life together - that is enough. Perfection does not exist. We should never force ourselves to love someone. But I believe that we know when we love someone. We do not have to wait for the approval of our friends and family. We do not have to wait for the biggest diamond, the fanciest house, the most expensive honeymoon. That is not love. Love is the little things that happen over the course of a lifetime.

As Golde sings, “For twenty-five years I've lived with him, Fought with him, starved with him, Twenty-five years my bed is his, If that's not love, what is?” The journey of twenty-five years begins with a single step. You can’t get to that lifetime if you don’t allow yourself the dream. Think about how it would feel to love that person forever. If it feels good, then you’re in love. If it feels wrong, then it is. It’s that simple.